she was so not down for the gang bang
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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