He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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