I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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