The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
