I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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