at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize