So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
He shit in the fireplace
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
