So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
