my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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