Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
