walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
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