I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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