When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Randomize