My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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