I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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