On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Church boner. Awkwardddd
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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