You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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