I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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