watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
