Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Randomize
