I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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