If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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