just tell him i said nine months
I could have mohawked her pubes.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
