Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Randomize
