dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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