Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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