I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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