The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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