I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I'm really busy with my period
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