What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize