I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
