she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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