OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
