paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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