I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
