There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
