Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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