She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
