i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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