If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize