Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
