You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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