I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize