Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
people are starting to question the shark bite story
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
