For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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