in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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