So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Randomize
