when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
