susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
