SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
My vagina just recognized that song.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize