What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
