I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize