I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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