Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
