Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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