I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
