all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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