It's like God shit irony all over that family
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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