Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
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