Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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