got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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