my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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