I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Acid is not a monday night drug
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
