Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
My liver is preforming stress tests.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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