Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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