I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
