He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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