I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
